Pie and politics: How to survive holiday gatherings in these divisive times

Holiday dinners are an American tradition that draws together family and friends, but in recent years, some have found the experience falls very short of a Rockwellian scene or Hallmark holiday card. When they sit down for the traditional meal a few weeks after Election Day, they are elbow-to-elbow with, say, the aunt they argued with on Facebook or the brother-in-law who was offended when they bared their politics at the last gathering.

How did we get here, and is it getting worse?

“Historically, in times of great change, a backlash emerges,” says Robert Shrum, director of USC Dornsife’s Center for the Political Future, which aims to address the political divide through education, research and practice. “This sort of backlash leads to polarization, and people with different opinions then view one another not as political adversaries, but as evil.

“The election of President Barack Obama brought out some of the best, but also some of the worst, parts of American politics,” adds Shrum. “Under President Donald Trump, the backlash has been weaponized, and as progressives fight back, the result is that we are living through a political civil war in America.”

Disappearing family ties

Blood is thicker than water, the old adage goes, but Lisa Bitel, Dean’s Professor of Religion and professor of history, notes that family bonds are not determined by genes alone. Historically, they have been reinforced by another common thread — religion. Bitel notes that religious beliefs often overlap with political viewpoints. But public opinion surveys by the Pew Research Center have indicated that thread is fraying.

A growing number of Americans consider themselves religiously unaffiliated. Those include atheists and agnostics, as well as the so-called “nones” who have no particular religious affiliation. Nearly a quarter of American adults in the most recent survey, released in 2015, had no religious affiliation, up from 16 percent in 2007.

These shifts are significant, Bitel says, because they reflect not only a change in beliefs and practices but a change in how people relate to one another, even within their own families.

“There was already this tendency for families to dissolve, and then the religious ties that had held them together are dissolving, too,” says Bitel, whose own relatives over time have become a mix of Jewish, Catholic, atheist and soon, through a coming marriage, Muslim. “So, if you come together, what is the basis for cohesion? Maybe the basis is tradition, but what do you talk about? Politics is so much a part of the conversation these days. The weather only goes so far.”

Fight or flight?

A discussion about whether it will rain or not is unlikely to trigger a feud. On the other hand, a political debate may because many people now include politics as part of their identity, says Jonas Kaplan, assistant (research) professor at the Brain and Creativity Institute at USC Dornsife.

Shortly after the 2016 presidential election, a neuroscience study led by Kaplan revealed that self-defense mechanisms are triggered when people’s political beliefs are challenged. “Fight or flee?” the brain says, as if confronting a predator.

A glance at Twitter shows “fight” is a popular response.

“The brain is trying to protect the body,” Kaplan says. “These reactions have been very useful to us because they have been, throughout the course of evolution, supportive tools for making sure that life prospers. But what we are afraid of and what we should be afraid of are two different things. We should direct our anger towards things that actually deserve it.”

Ever since that study, Kaplan has pondered how to prompt a change in the brain’s responses to bring people together. Pending that breakthrough, though, Kaplan believes individuals should try to regulate how strongly they attach to their beliefs.

“Conflict comes from an ‘us versus them’ mentality,” he says. “If you become aware of how you are feeling, it can help you to keep some distance and awareness about how those automatic reactions can be evoked.”

Survival tips

Gayla Margolin, professor of psychology and pediatrics at USC Dornsife, and an expert on marital conflict and violence, has practical advice for anyone attending a holiday gathering with family members who have opposing political views: Give some forethought to your goals for the gathering and your strategy for navigating touchy subjects.

“What is your personal priority for this family gathering?” Margolin says. “Do you want to have a political discussion with somebody who sees things differently and turn this into an opportunity to learn something new? Or is the priority to create a time for family to reunite around a holiday event, and maybe reminisce about long ago holiday celebrations? Or talk with new family members about their family traditions growing up?”

Margolin says that even if someone else brings up divisive political issues, “be aware of your own hot buttons and don’t get drawn in on those discussions if you don’t want to have a political argument. You can think in advance about ways to sidestep the argument and guide the conversation in directions that you want it to go.”

Ultimately, Margolin says, family gatherings over the holidays are intended to maintain family ties and history across generations. “Adults need to think: What do you want for your children to experience? What kind of memories do you want these gatherings to create for your children?”