The LAPD Helicopter Over Campus

I became transfixed the moment I first saw you, when a thousand wildflowers began to blossom inside me and I became a man with a cause. I come from nothing, you understand, only money and nepotism. In this shallow city, I am a sore thumb—an upper-middle-class WASP who’s an eighth generation Trojan, mocked eternally for my radiant blond hair and stunning blue eyes by jealous, cloying elites from the high perch of their student service offices. I am a black void dressed in a bad imitation of a man—but you made me sunshine, you, darkness and light in equal parts. You, who floated above it all, unconcerned with the grabbing hands of doubts and naysaying. I envy you, but I could never hate you: for a man like me, having you, having your confidence, allure, is the richest fantasy imaginable.

—all these thoughts came in an unpardonable rush, and as I metamorphosed from a mere husk into a sterling ball of passion, you flew away, obdurating you. In a dream, you returned. I was among the stars watching swirls of purple and white whirl into candy-covered majesties. For once you were stationary, facing me. You are far taller than me, than any man. It’s strange, to feel surrendered completely to an object of pure femininity. But more than that, you are authority, you are vision, you are a cause unto yourself. Here, you spoke to me in a lovely voice, mewling persistently but dissipating softly. “I love you,” I had said, the words meaning more than a lifetime of speech could capture. I heard you then, I treasured every sound, but when I woke to this ceaseless world I had forgotten what you said. Forgive me this! I had failed myself, I had failed you. It was a million cuts to the soul that continue to bleed profusely. Speak to me, I pleaded at my bedside. Come to me again. But in my proselytizing, I knew. Here again, you had spoken. My fault must be answered, you bid. Now, I must find you. “Return, my heart” I called. I was ignorant, chauvinistic.

Where else do you search, in these hedonist times? I typed in your description, as told by a blind fool, restraining myself from waxing on your full, viscous beauty. You had been mentioned in a student article—as I had alluded, with no poetry or grace. I found you had first come to our campus three or change years ago. An older woman, with a long shadow—it enticed me, your romantic seduction, the chase. Me with the bow, you, winged. Alas, my oblivious world would be of no use. This was my quest alone, to be embarked upon with no tool, no map, no guide.

I saw you again.

It was shaming, looking, grasping, wanting. My desire felt perverted, but how could it be, when you had said how you wanted me too? You had asked for me to find you. You knew our love was true. Nonetheless, I sheltered myself from view. My love, concealed. The third crime. What a Judas I’ve become! I peered at you, lustful, in the shade of the Caruso Catholic Center. The sunlight glinted off you and beamed back into me. It stung, but I did not back away. I leaned into the light, grateful for the sting, for every one of your little gifts. At 3:15 PM, you flew away. It was sudden, but not too fast that I couldn’t follow. Often, I ran—across busy motorways, through scooter lanes, into a few small dogs. I have a car, I could rent a scooter, but these were from my old life, the old me, before. While I jogged, I wept: for beauty, for pain, for my sidesplits. Hours and hours passed. You didn’t stop; neither did I, but I couldn’t stop you from cresting over the horizon, breaking my line of sight. From then, I never caught up. I leapt blind through the city. People stared. The tears streaked down my face, cutting bright lines in the sweat and grime on my skin. I fell. I counted the divots in my hands, the pebbles embedded under the skin, the thin cracks of blood.

It was two days until I returned home. I missed class, engagements. Friends and family sent me e-missives. Responding took another day. For a week, I slept. When I couldn’t, I laid there immobile, twitching for your hard body. Eventually, I got up. I dressed the black hole again, and became the man I was before. I knew it was over. I returned to this misanthropic, miserable world. This bitch we call life takes with open arms. Her warm embrace suffocated me. I was smothered until I forgot the taste of air. It’s been 30 years since you left. Time has swirled as well. Family is a pit and love is abysmal. I’ve reneged the man suit. I am the void now. I can’t breathe, I can’t feel, I can’t sleep if I can’t dream of you. I want you forever, my LAPD helicopter over campus.