If you find me asleep

“I didn’t remember writing this song until I played it back as a voice memo file months later. That seems to be a trend whenever I write with piano; instead of the planned out narrative of a guitar, I simply let the piano chords carry me through the rambling of a song. In a way, writing with piano is more therapeutic for me, as it produces a less fragmented stream of thoughts, but this method conversely contains less storytelling and more confession. While I do not remember writing this song, I do remember the feelings associated with it: the restlessness of sleepless nights after waking suddenly from a bad dream; the silver lining of a cold morning before dawn, when I seemed to be the only one awake in the whole entire world; the slovenly feeling of waking up later than I had hoped, the morning wasted away. And among all of these, a gentle yearning for someone to bear witness to these moments with me, to confirm that they are real and that I am real.”

If you find me asleep, 

gently close my eyes,

stay with me awhile, 

count a wish every time I shiver and turn.

When I wake, first at 1 am, 

shot up straight, 

late to my own deadlines, 

tell me the date, so I can breathe again.

Next, at 5 am,

moments before dawn,

eyes flutter open,

a soaking peace and quiet for the first time,

hold your breath, don’t even move 

I love you 

I am happy to not be alone. 

Hopefully the last, at 10 am,

heavy eyelids droop open,

grief washes over my chest,

I mourn who I was, 

I close my eyes until I forget

the visions of my dreams.

I want to go back to sleep

so, so much.

Lay with me a while,

breathe in my stale air,

open a window,

let the light in. 

Carry me to the kitchen if you have to,

I will not resent you for it. 

I need to wake up, I know this,

I know it in my heart,

so why do my eyes still close? 

Inaya Riaz is a fourth-year undergraduate completing a B.A. in Medical Anthropology and an M.S. in Global Medicine. She aims to serve medically vulnerable communities in her career through on-the-ground global humanitarian work. In her free time, she indulges her escapist dreams in art and music.