Self-Conscious

you broke this wall down, honey
there’s nothing left to it
it’s all broken
overspoken
misunderstood

I showed you all my cards
before you showed me yours
I’ve lost myself once, but twice too much
I’m hiding what you can’t see beneath
why would you ever say that to me?

I know my love was heavy to carry
but I carried yours
and I carried it deep inside of me
don’t you try to love me now
it’s too late for that right now

[sweaty weight on top of me; evacuate me before I bleed]

let me go, love
I’m on my knees
fall into me
distract me with your lips like you tend to do
test my limits, how far will she go tonight?

I’m a victim of myself, I admit that now
I knew the key didn’t fit, yet I forced it to
I left the door open for you every night
and you mistook my kindness for ambiguity
but don’t you empty your insecurities onto me now

or even worse, [inside] of me
I’m trembling
it’s just one time, though? I’ll let it be
and that’s the moment that I lost my gleam
[sweaty weight on top of me; evacuate me before I bleed]

I’ve been carrying your insecurities for far too long
it’s not supposed to be like that
and yet, I find myself wanting your approval
a shadow of distrust
if you love me, then act like it

because I’m tired of words not followed through by actions
I’m myself before I’m anyone else’s
this body has been a home for others before its been mine
someone has broken in, and they’ve overstayed
I’m wearing down now, I’ve let you win

I know my love was heavy to carry
but I carried yours
and I carried it deep inside of me
don’t you try to love me now
it’s too late for that right now

[sweaty weight on top of me; evacuate me before I bleed]

let me go, love
I’m on my knees
fall into me
distract me with your lips like you tend to do
test my limits, how far will she go?

how far has she [already] gone

Ramona Amely has been a poet for the last 10 years, mainly writing with a focus on the subjects of love, loss, and identity. She publishes most of her pieces on her website as her online portfolio with the goal of publishing an anthology one day. Ramona claims that it is through creative writing that she has been able to turn what is ugly, in terms of hardships experienced, into something beautiful and unique that can be interpreted differently by individual readers. Writing is her tool of creativity and expression of vulnerability, allowing her to play with words and create meaning and structure artistically. She believes that the best part of writing poetry is that there is no right or wrong answer.