{"id":5236,"date":"2024-11-18T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-11-18T08:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/?p=5236"},"modified":"2024-11-17T15:07:08","modified_gmt":"2024-11-17T23:07:08","slug":"diary-of-an-adolescence-through-pills","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2024\/diary-of-an-adolescence-through-pills\/","title":{"rendered":"Diary of an Adolescence Through Pills"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n\n\n  \n    \n\n\n\n\n\n\n<div\n  class=\"cc--component-container cc--article-hero \"\n\n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  >\n  <div class=\"c--component c--article-hero\"\n    \n      >\n\n    \n<div class=\"inner-wrapper\">\n  \n  \n  <div class=\"text-wrapper\">\n    \n              \n<div class=\"f--field f--page-title\">\n\n    \n  <h1>Diary of an Adolescence Through Pills<\/h1>\n\n\n<\/div>\n    \n    \n          <strong class=\"author-field\"><span >By<\/span>Mariella Faura<\/strong>\n    \n          <span class=\"post-date-field\">November 18, 2024<\/span>\n      <\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n  <\/div><\/div>\n\n  \n    \n\n\n\n\n\n\n<div\n  class=\"cc--component-container cc--social-share \"\n\n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  >\n  <div class=\"c--component c--social-share\"\n    \n      >\n\n    \n  <div class=\"content-wrapper\">\n    <span class=\"a2a_kit a2a_kit_size_32 addtoany_list\" style=\"line-height: 32px;\">\n      <span class=\"title\">\n        Share\n      <\/span>\n                        <a class=\"a2a_button_copy_link\" target=\"_blank\" href=\"\/#copy_link\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" title=\"Link\">\n            <span class=\"a2a_svg a2a_s__default a2a_s_copy_link\">\n              <svg height=\"19\" viewBox=\"0 0 19 19\" width=\"19\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\"><path d=\"m7.43475275 9.52380952-2.17490843 2.26076008c-1.08745421 1.058837-1.68841575 2.518315-1.68841575 4.0350275 0 1.5167124.60096154 2.9475732 1.68841575 4.0350274 1.058837 1.0874543 2.51831502 1.6884158 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xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\"><path d=\"m8.14285714 9.42857143c-.17142857 0-.34285714 0-.51428571.08571428l7.28571427 6.34285719c.3428572.2571428.6857143.2571428.9428572 0l7.2857142-6.34285719c-.0857142-.08571428-.2571428-.08571428-.4285714-.08571428zm-1.28571428 1.11428567v.1714286 8.5714286c0 .6857143.6 1.2857143 1.28571428 1.2857143h14.57142856c.6857143 0 1.2857143-.6 1.2857143-1.2857143v-8.5714286c0-.0857143 0-.0857143 0-.1714286l-7.2 6.3428572c-.7714286.6857143-1.8857143.6857143-2.6571429 0z\" fill-rule=\"evenodd\" transform=\"translate(-6 -9)\"\/><\/svg>\n            <\/span>\n            <span class=\"a2a_label visually-hidden\">Email<\/span>\n          <\/a>\n                  <\/span>\n  <\/div>\n\n  <\/div><\/div>\n \n\n\n\n  \n    \n\n\n\n\n\n\n<div\n  class=\"cc--component-container cc--rich-text \"\n\n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  >\n  <div class=\"c--component c--rich-text\"\n    \n      >\n\n    \n      \n<div class=\"f--field f--wysiwyg\">\n\n    \n  <p><em>Editorial Content Warning: This piece refers to substance use, suicidal ideation, and struggles with mental health.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n  <\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n\n  \n    \n\n\n\n\n\n\n<div\n  class=\"cc--component-container cc--rich-text \"\n\n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  >\n  <div class=\"c--component c--rich-text\"\n    \n      >\n\n    \n      \n<div class=\"f--field f--wysiwyg\">\n\n    \n  <p><strong>October 2020\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">First day on Vyvanse and Lexapro, it\u2019s Halloween. My thoughts feel quieter. It almost feels like they\u2019ve lined up and started to take turns one at a time in being processed. I can\u2019t seem to take any more than two bites of my In-N-Out burger. When I was getting it, an entire parade of cars bearing Trump flags went by honking and hollering. Nonetheless, my hunger is non-existent. The smell of food makes me nauseous.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>November 2020\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lexapro hasn\u2019t taken away my yearning for death. My emotions seem blunter. Their corners are rounded and colors more dull. I\u2019m shitting twice a day now, which is cool I guess?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>December 2020\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So I did a thing, so no more Lexapro. Also, no more Vyvanse. It\u2019s Adderall for me. I feel less nauseous and more normal. You know what I mean? If you do, you\u2019ve probably taken Adderall and actually had ADHD. Prozac is my poison now. It truly is poison since it makes me so fucking pissed at everything. Literally, I find myself in a constant state of being irked to my core over every sound and even at concepts. I can only sleep and sometimes read to distract me from my constant burning anger. I also still think about killing myself. I don\u2019t really want to do it. Like there\u2019s no urgency, but I still think about it a lot. For now, sleep is the closest thing I have to it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>January 2021\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Because of that constant vexation, I am now taking Lamictal. Apparently, it can give me a deadly rash in my internal organs which they told me to be aware of but definitely not look up. Of course, I looked it up. They told me to watch my dose and if I think I forgot to take it to not take it at all because of said lethal rash and if contracted I would need to go to the ICU, which is at capacity because of a worldwide pandemic. So I am being super careful. What\u2019s freaky is that I\u2019ve started seeing evil faces in the dark. Ghastly, gruesome, demonic faces that morph from one malevolent being into another. Amazing! Right? I will handle their grimaces if it means I will not long to go to sleep and never wake up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>February 2021\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">New pill! Hopefully new me\u2026 Wellbutrin. A cute name, really. It feels like it&#8217;s starting to work really well actually.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>March 2021\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I really can\u2019t eat. A few bites and I feel nauseous. I feel grotesquely thin. I don\u2019t understand why people wish to look like this. It\u2019s disturbing, honestly. My sternum is starting to make its existence known under my skin. The same goes for my clavicle and ribs. Adderall is <em>so<\/em> to blame.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>April 2021\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Things are starting to go back to normal. I\u2019m in school again. I have a girlfriend again. I have more reasons to live now, although there remain a few cons to living. I have come to understand that I absolutely cannot miss a single dose of these pills. If I miss one pill, I feel like I\u2019m going to pass out. I\u2019m also really fucking sweaty all the time, especially at night.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>May-August 2021\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My dose has only gone up more over the months. My psychiatrist says things will get better if I just take more of it. Although my life has gone to shit I still feel a frenzied happiness from time to time. Life can\u2019t be this shitty and this good. I don\u2019t really understand it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>September 2021\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">New pill alert!! Abilify. Isn\u2019t that a hopeful name? The incessant feeling of wanting to die has intensified again. I almost feel psychotic, although it\u2019s apparently an antipsychotic. I feel more and more like a fucking guinea pig. It\u2019s been a year of this shit. Truly in my ratgirl era, seeing that I\u2019m big pharma\u2019s favorite little lab rat at this point. This motherfucking psychiatrist is being such a fucking man, and not listening to a word I fucking say. I want OFF THE WELLBUTRIN TRAIN! Which he hears as \u201clet\u2019s up the dose.\u201d I\u2019m done with his shit, seeing that I literally hallucinate things happening when they didn\u2019t actually happen. At least I think? I guess I\u2019ll never really know, will I? Weird how truly perception-altering this shit is.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>October 2021\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I switched psychiatrists. Thank fuck. I found a lesbian psychiatrist. You know, keeping it in the community. She\u2019ll definitely understand me as I tell her about dark scary shit, intensely personal shit, and shameful, embarrassing shit as she types away at her keyboard documenting my sobering vulnerability. I am supposed to go off all medicine for a month after a year of being pumped full of diet meth and suicidal poisons. Don\u2019t think I don\u2019t believe in psychiatric medicine, because I do. My hope in it is waning. I\u2019m growing more and more tired of it and hopeless. How much more will I hold onto life without losing grasp of hope? It\u2019s almost as if I&#8217;ve grabbed a handful of sand that&#8217;s slipping rapidly through my knuckles, spilling out more and more by the millisecond until all I have left are a few unsteady grains.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>November 2021\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I am constantly exhausted. My waking moments are few and far between. I feel narcoleptic. I have to take almost three naps a day. I nap in-between classes at school. There now live many photos of me sleeping in the library on people&#8217;s phones. I apparently have to wait a few more\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">weeks for all the medications to leave my system. I abandoned Adderall a long time ago in the name of being able to eat like a normal person again. The pounds are starting to slowly come back, thank God. For now I am lethargic and still hopeless.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>December 2021\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Back to more pills again. She and my therapist believe I\u2019m bipolar. A possible explanation for my cyclical, turbulent emotional range. I don\u2019t pay too much attention to the label. After all there are plenty of really fucking cool bipolar people out there. Like Julia Fox, Lily Allen, Selena Gomez, Kanye, and unfortunately Demi Lovato, whom I also share a birthday with. I can\u2019t seem to get enough distance from that bitch. Hopefully this new mood stabilizer does what it claims to.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>January 2022\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My emotions finally feel palatable. They\u2019re not as all-consuming. I can feel them and observe them from afar. A new concept to me. My hope feels renewed, although I have trouble sleeping through the night. For this they gave me Gabapentin, which would work for a few days and my body would require more and more of it as time went on. I warned my doctor about my past affinity for <em>My Year of Rest and Relaxation<\/em>. She had no idea what I meant by that, so I of course explained the plot to her. Essentially explaining that heavy sleeping pills scared me because I would probably want to be in a drug-induced twilight like all the time given my history. She had been planning on starting me on an antipsychotic which would also double as a sleeping pill.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>February 2022 to beyond\u2026\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This combination would prove to be the solution to most of my issues. I could emote normally now. I felt in control. Happy to breathe and happy that my heart is still beating. I would struggle a little with remembering to take my medicine, but after some time it became a permanent habit like breathing, because after all they\u2019re what keep me alive in a way. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n  <\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n\n  \n    \n\n\n\n\n\n\n<div\n  class=\"cc--component-container cc--rich-text \"\n\n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n  >\n  <div class=\"c--component c--rich-text\"\n    \n      >\n\n    \n      \n<div class=\"f--field f--wysiwyg\">\n\n    \n  <p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>Mariella Faura<\/strong> is a current student at the University of Southern California. She has been writing poetry from a young age, documenting her coming of age through words. Her work explores girlhood, coming of age during a pandemic, lesbian identity, and mental health struggles, offering a raw and nuanced perspective on resilience and vulnerability. Her poetry and autofiction is a personal catharsis embracing the beauty and pain that shape the human experience.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n  <\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":288,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[56],"tags":[52],"class_list":["post-5236","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fall-2024","tag-prose"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.1.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Diary of an Adolescence Through Pills<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2024\/diary-of-an-adolescence-through-pills\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Diary of an Adolescence Through Pills - 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