{"id":3152,"date":"2020-05-01T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-05-01T07:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/?p=3152"},"modified":"2023-06-28T17:57:26","modified_gmt":"2023-06-29T00:57:26","slug":"uppers-and-downers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/spring-2020\/uppers-and-downers\/","title":{"rendered":"Uppers and Downers"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n\n\n \n \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
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Uppers and Downers<\/h1>\n\n\n<\/div>\n \n \n By<\/span>Anonymous<\/strong>\n \n May 1, 2020<\/span>\n <\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n <\/div><\/div>\n\n \n \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
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The author of this nonfiction essay elects to remain anonymous.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n <\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n\n \n \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

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This might make you feel like you’ve had an extra coffee the doctor says as she scribbles a prescription for Prednisone. Like hell, I think. You’re talking to someone who once chugged eight shots of espresso. But I demur and mention instead that my blood pressure was 143\/83 the last time I took steroids. Doctors like numbers. I’ll give you numbers. 65-year-old-businessman-two-weeks-away-from-a-stroke numbers. I’ll give you numbers.<\/p>\n

Well, we\u2019ll just give you a lower dose.<\/p>\n

They need more numbers. I’ll give you numbers.<\/p>\n

Well, the time before even on the lowest dose my heart rate was 150 BPM while I was laying down.<\/p>\n

The doctor barely glances up at me. Fuel + O2 \u2192 CO2 + HO. If I put it like that, can you understand would you understand do you even care that you’re trying to douse me in gasoline and light a match?<\/p>\n

The doctor barely glances up at me.<\/p>\n

Could you at least give me some Xanax?<\/p>\n

No, you might overdose and die. I might die if you don\u2019t give me some freaking Xanax, I think, but of course do not say because I believe this litigious university might be overly generous in committing students on the verge. No Xanax. They give me six mini yellow Gatorades.<\/p>\n

I’m not even worth a full sized bottle?<\/p>\n

The sympathetic nurse suggests I go to the ER. They might help me. Might give me something to tranquilize my runaway mind. Slow my racing heart. But I have a paper to write, a book to read, and a suitcase to pack, and I think the ER would charge me a couple thousand and not even give me the free Gatorade, so I cry instead. I throw my shoe at a tree and swear to never ask for help from another doctor again.<\/p>\n

I do ask for help again, six months later. Because in my dreams I see my dad die. I run out of class because I think I\u2019m going to throw up. My hands shake so much I can\u2019t even type.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know where I am.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think my heart rate is supposed to be this high. Can you have a heart attack at 22? How selfish. To run my perfectly good heart ragged while my dad lies in the hospital because his heart isn’t working right. It is extremely ironic, and I hate myself for it.<\/p>\n

My feelings whirl from my stomach to my chest to my throat and start choking me. I cough because I am choking. I collapse to my knees, and that\u2019s when I think I need help. I drag my rebelling body in defeat back to the student health center. Hope springs eternal. Or maybe I\u2019d just like another Gatorade.<\/p>\n

The student doctors give me an EKG. There\u2019s nothing wrong with your heart. Yes, I know I told you I\u2019m having a panic attack. There\u2019s nothing wrong with your heart. What seems to be the problem here I\u2019m having a panic attack that\u2019s too bad sorry to hear that what seems to be the problem here I have a panic attack every two hours in between I feel nothing my dad\u2019s in the hospital I don\u2019t know what to do that\u2019s too bad please help me there\u2019s nothing wrong with your heart yesIknowI\u2019mhavingapanicttack it\u2019s really not our policy to prescribe benzos they\u2019re very dangerous you could abuse them or die I\u2019mhavingapanicattack I could give you some antidepressants you might feel better in two weeks sorry about that there\u2019s nothing wrong with your heart use your relaxation techniques what relaxation techniques hydration is important we\u2019reoutofGatoradehaveagoodnightthere\u2019snothingwrongwithyourheart.<\/p>\n

I walk out of the health center, and I\u2019m choking again. The receptionist grins like the Cheshire cat and wishes me a good night. I think they told them to be nicer because students keep killing themselves. They smile very kindly while refusing to treat you. I can\u2019t even make it ten steps before I crumble onto the edge of the cold concrete because I\u2019m shaking so hard. I hyperventilate until the edges of my vision turn fuzzy and black. I wish I would just pass out so someone would help me, but my brain clings to the turmoil of consciousness. I think maybe one of the doctors leaving the health center might walk past me and help. No one does. Students walking by try to avert their eyes while I shrink into the night’s shadows, sobbing against the red brick exterior of the student health center. The school thinks red brick makes us look like an Ivy League.<\/p>\n

I wonder what\u2019s left at this point, but I\u2019m running late already so I switch my tears for a smile until I look happy.<\/p>\n

I am not happy.<\/p>\n

I go home and have a cocktail of Nyquil, Benadryl, and muscle relaxers for dinner. I Google it first. It probably won\u2019t kill me. I wake up for class the next day. I\u2019m so groggy I don\u2019t even know where I am. I think I might pass out in the shower. I can’t feel any of my limbs. I think I\u2019ve discovered the poor woman\u2019s Xanax. I think my TA thinks I\u2019m high. I think I might be high.<\/p>\n

I go to work. I go to meetings. My dinner has worn off, and I\u2019m perfectly awake and agreeable now. I think I\u2019m a star great question great intern I\u2019m smiling I feel fine actually I feel nothing and that\u2019s fine my roommate and I have dinner see a play eat ice cream I feel nothing and that\u2019s fine nothing is great very preferable actually you can feel nothing and eat cotton candy ice cream everything is fine I start laughing but too hard what\u2019s funny my roommate doesn\u2019t understand why are you laughing why aren\u2019t you <\/em>laughing. I laugh even harder. No one made a joke. My roommate looks very afraid. I take some more Nyquil and pass out with all of the lights on.<\/p>\n

I think the Nyquil might be carving exquisite little holes in my brain. I read it\u2019s going to give me Alzheimer\u2019s. I celebrate a little sniffle as an excuse to take Nyquil with no guilt. I\u2019m not abusing<\/em> Nyquil. I have a cough! Really! A cough! And not sleeping can give you Alzheimer\u2019s anyhow. I\u2019m failing my own life. That\u2019s funny. That\u2019s really funny, I think. I tell my roommate I\u2019m taking my life pass\/fail, and I\u2019m failing. We laugh. He\u2019s not sure I\u2019m joking. I\u2019m not joking. But that\u2019s funny.<\/p>\n

When the Nyquil doesn\u2019t work, I try some muscle relaxers. Relax<\/em>, reader, my muscles hurt anyway! Safe by technicality! Perhaps some Advil PM? This is, of course, on top of the melatonin and Zyrtec I already took, which have long since stopped working but hope springs eternal. It\u2019s fine. I Googled it. You can\u2019t overdose on melatonin, and my doctor says I have allergies! It\u2019s fine. I\u2019m fine. My thoughts grow teeth at night. I\u2019m trying to defang them.<\/p>\n

The summer before sophomore year of high school, I accidentally got addicted to Benadryl. I took it every night and slept until 6 pm. Then when I didn\u2019t take it, I didn\u2019t sleep at all, and my brain tried to explode. So I took some more Benadryl and started tripping in my dreams. You really need to stop sleeping in so late, my parents tell me. Google, how do you become unaddicted to Benadryl?<\/p>\n

I told my roommate my New Year\u2019s resolution for 2021 is to stop abusing Nyquil. 2020\u2019s already lost, but I\u2019m a consummate optimist, and I think we\u2019re on track for 2021. Or 2022 at the latest. My roommate laughs. I just hope the little holes in my brain haven\u2019t grown too large. Or if it’s too late, I hope they just make one great big hole and then everything will be black.<\/p>\n

My tombstone reads: Here she lies, lobotomized by Nyquil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n <\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":288,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42],"tags":[52],"class_list":["post-3152","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spring-2020","tag-prose"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nUppers and Downers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/spring-2020\/uppers-and-downers\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Uppers and Downers - Palaver Arts Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/spring-2020\/uppers-and-downers\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Palaver Arts Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/palaver.arts.magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-05-01T07:00:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-06-29T00:57:26+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/175\/2023\/06\/palaver-logo.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"710\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"198\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"akcannon\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/spring-2020\/uppers-and-downers\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/spring-2020\/uppers-and-downers\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"akcannon\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/live-usc-dornsife.pantheonsite.io\/palaver\/#\/schema\/person\/8ac801b3c8176b6860207b43ecbe9e78\"},\"headline\":\"Uppers and Downers\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-05-01T07:00:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-06-29T00:57:26+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/spring-2020\/uppers-and-downers\/\"},\"wordCount\":3,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/live-usc-dornsife.pantheonsite.io\/palaver\/#organization\"},\"keywords\":[\"Prose\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Issue 07: Spring 2020\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/spring-2020\/uppers-and-downers\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/spring-2020\/uppers-and-downers\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/spring-2020\/uppers-and-downers\/\",\"name\":\"Uppers and Downers - 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