{"id":2485,"date":"2018-12-01T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-12-01T08:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/?p=2485"},"modified":"2023-06-28T17:55:43","modified_gmt":"2023-06-29T00:55:43","slug":"self-conscious","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2018\/self-conscious\/","title":{"rendered":"Self-Conscious"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n\n\n \n \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\n\n \n
\n \n \n
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Self-Conscious<\/h1>\n\n\n<\/div>\n \n \n By<\/span>Ramona Amely<\/strong>\n \n December 1, 2018<\/span>\n <\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n <\/div><\/div>\n\n \n \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\n\n \n
\n \n \n Share\n <\/span>\n \n \n <\/svg>\n <\/span>\n Copy Link<\/span>\n <\/a>\n \n \n <\/svg>\n <\/span>\n Facebook<\/span>\n <\/a>\n \n \n \n\n<\/svg>\n\n <\/span>\n X<\/span>\n <\/a>\n \n \n <\/svg>\n <\/span>\n LinkedIn<\/span>\n <\/a>\n \n \n \n \n <\/svg>\n <\/span>\n Bluesky<\/span>\n <\/a>\n \n \n <\/svg>\n <\/span>\n Email<\/span>\n <\/a>\n <\/span>\n <\/div>\n\n <\/div><\/div>\n \n\n\n\n \n \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\n\n \n \n
\n\n \n

you broke this wall down, honey
\nthere\u2019s nothing left to it
\nit\u2019s all broken
\noverspoken
\nmisunderstood<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I showed you all my cards
\nbefore you showed me yours
\nI\u2019ve lost myself once, but twice too much
\nI\u2019m hiding what you can\u2019t see beneath
\nwhy would you ever say that to me?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I know my love was heavy to carry
\nbut I carried yours
\nand I carried it deep inside of me
\ndon\u2019t you try to love me now
\nit\u2019s too late for that right now<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

[sweaty weight on top of me; evacuate me before I bleed]<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

let me go, love
\nI\u2019m on my knees
\nfall into me
\ndistract me with your lips like you tend to do
\ntest my limits, how far will she go tonight?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m a victim of myself, I admit that now
\nI knew the key didn\u2019t fit, yet I forced it to
\nI left the door open for you every night
\nand you mistook my kindness for ambiguity
\nbut don\u2019t you empty your insecurities onto me now<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

or even worse, [inside] of me
\nI\u2019m trembling
\nit\u2019s just one time, though? I\u2019ll let it be
\nand that\u2019s the moment that I lost my gleam
\n[sweaty weight on top of me; evacuate me before I bleed]<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been carrying your insecurities for far too long
\nit\u2019s not supposed to be like that
\nand yet, I find myself wanting your approval
\na shadow of distrust
\nif you love me, then act like it<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

because I\u2019m tired of words not followed through by actions
\nI\u2019m myself before I\u2019m anyone else\u2019s
\nthis body has been a home for others before its been mine
\nsomeone has broken in, and they\u2019ve overstayed
\nI\u2019m wearing down now, I\u2019ve let you win<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I know my love was heavy to carry
\nbut I carried yours
\nand I carried it deep inside of me
\ndon\u2019t you try to love me now
\nit\u2019s too late for that right now<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

[sweaty weight on top of me; evacuate me before I bleed]<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

let me go, love
\nI\u2019m on my knees
\nfall into me
\ndistract me with your lips like you tend to do
\ntest my limits, how far will she go?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

how far has she [already] gone<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n <\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n\n \n \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

\n\n \n \n
\n\n \n

Ramona Amely<\/strong> has been a poet for the last 10 years, mainly writing with a focus on the subjects of love, loss, and identity. She publishes most of her pieces on her website<\/a> as her online portfolio with the goal of publishing an anthology one day. Ramona claims that it is through creative writing that she has been able to turn what is ugly, in terms of hardships experienced, into something beautiful and unique that can be interpreted differently by individual readers. Writing is her tool of creativity and expression of vulnerability, allowing her to play with words and create meaning and structure artistically. She believes that the best part of writing poetry is that there is no right or wrong answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n <\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":288,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[39],"tags":[51],"class_list":["post-2485","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fall-2018","tag-poetry"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nSelf-Conscious<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2018\/self-conscious\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Self-Conscious - Palaver Arts Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2018\/self-conscious\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Palaver Arts Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/palaver.arts.magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-12-01T08:00:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-06-29T00:55:43+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/175\/2023\/06\/palaver-logo.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"710\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"198\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"akcannon\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2018\/self-conscious\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2018\/self-conscious\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"akcannon\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/live-usc-dornsife.pantheonsite.io\/palaver\/#\/schema\/person\/8ac801b3c8176b6860207b43ecbe9e78\"},\"headline\":\"Self-Conscious\",\"datePublished\":\"2018-12-01T08:00:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-06-29T00:55:43+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2018\/self-conscious\/\"},\"wordCount\":1,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/live-usc-dornsife.pantheonsite.io\/palaver\/#organization\"},\"keywords\":[\"Poetry\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Issue 04: Fall 2018\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2018\/self-conscious\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/dornsife.usc.edu\/palaver\/fall-2018\/self-conscious\/\",\"name\":\"Self-Conscious - 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